mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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