i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So much rum. So many feels.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
