Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
