She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
