Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
