At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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