So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
