Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
