Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize