At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
