So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
