I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
