once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
