mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
