Buhtt sex?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
