im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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