On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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