I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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