she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
