I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
this beer tastes like vomit already
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
