GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
