Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just want nice things and good sex
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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