the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize