I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
