My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
