Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize