Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Too much gin, very little bucket
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
