Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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