I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
