I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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