when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
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