Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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