Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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