I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Farmville is her only friend.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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