HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
