I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
