so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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