One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
