I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
