I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
