walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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