talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
