was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
