I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
