a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
