I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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