We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
