On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
someone owes me an orgasm
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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