I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
