the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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