no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
