My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
