do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
