I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I need to calm my uterus...
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
