why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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