Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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